Crisis

I'm having crisis rite now. Internal crisis. I can't cope with myself. I need motivation from the outside. But it seem s like i wont get it in this difficult situation rite now. It just.... Difficult.

Bila x der kawan2 di sekeliling, hidup jadi x tentu arah. Tak ada panduan. Bahana bertambah2 bila dapat duduk bilik sorang2. Anything can happen. Syaitan sentiasa berbisik.

Dalam waktu2 macam ni pulak hubungan aku ngan Allah semakin jauh. Bukan makin dekat. Segala suruhanNya banyak aku tinggalkan. I need someone, somewhat, something to drive me get through all dis. Very painful. Nak nangis tapi x boleh. Susah nak nangis.

Since i was small, i never disciplined myself and never being disciplined. Never know wut kind of discipline is. When i entered my boarding school, i got disciplined.

But now. It's getting tougher and tougher and tougher.... Dont know who i can rely to. To You? Yeah i always say that to someone who got the cursed word, 'Down' . Less motivated. Cakap dekat orang boleh la. Bila smpai dekat diri sendiri? Aku rasa malu sebab terlalu banyak dosa yang aku lakukan pada Engkau. Rasa malu dan x layak untuk aku meminta2.

Rasa macam kena cursed. Got cursed when become class rep. Got cursed when leave alone. Got cursed when i studied near my bed. My main problem in my life is i'm sooooo lazy than people around me. But i have much much more bigger vision in my life. Bigger than anyone else. The main barrier is myself. I'm so lazy and i'm ashamed of it.

And people around me. They all said that i'm lazy. Even i believe i'm not that lazy. Kalau aku kuat sangat tido macam mana aku boleh capai smpai tahap nih? Macam mana aku bole pergi sebegini jauh berbanding orang lain.?

Argh!!!! tau tak kenapa aku tension nak mampus sekarang? Sebab aku kena supplement! Dahla kena supplement tapi tak da usaha langsung ke arah nak lulus. Dari pagi smpai petang asyik tido jer... I need to get out far from my comfort zone tapi susah dier macam angkat gunung!

Aku penah dapat tension macam nih. Dulu masa zaman sekola. And u know wut? I almost failed all my exam. Nasib baik sekadar lulus jer. Maqbul. Tak fail. But unfortunately at that time i got hypertension. Masa tgh exam bile waktu tgh hari jer sakit kepala dier hanya Allah jer yang tau. Segala yang aku hafal bile kuar time exam. Blank. I hate that time.

Tapi sekarang situasi is much like the same. The different is it would affect my future. If i fail this exam, aku x leh pg tahun 3. Aku study hard mcm org lain tapi rasa diri nih macam sial plak. Fail. Aku x leh terima. Dulu aku antara orang yg lagi pandai bbanding kebanyakan orang. Tapi bile aku masuk sini aku rasa macam aku antara orang terbodoh plak. Tapi aku tau aku bukan bodoh.

Mungkin salah aku. Salah amek langkah. Aku terlalu leka dengan benda lain. Aku jadi x fokus. X fokus macam orang lain. So it ended up what? With failed. I hope this is not the end of my life.

Malas + x fokus + banyak tido + duduk sorang2 + bnyak dosa = fail + even aku study.

Ya Allah aku tau Kau dengar rintihan aku ya Allah. Kau hindarkanlah aku dari ujian ini ya Allah. Aku x mampu nak mengharunginya Ya Allah. Last2 aku jadi lagi jauh daripada Kau Ya Allah. Takkan Kau nak lihat hamba Kau yang hina nih jadi begini Ya Allah. Kau keluarkanlah aku dari situasi buruk ni. Aku tak sanggup. Tak tahan. Tak boleh terima. Aku tau ramai yang lebih teruk ujian mereka tapi aku tau Kau bagi ujian pada mereka yang layak. Sememangnya aku x layak, tak terpilih dan tak mampu nak hadapi ujian Kau.

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